Picky Pick Pick

There are many many online dating websites these days. Many have specific twists to try to weed out people with interests or backgrounds that are dissimilar and could potentially be deal breakers (jdate, eharmony etc.). I don't really get the whole exclusivity thing (like most religions, it seems to exclude more than include or offer up an array of people whose differences might actually teach you something). But I digress. Whatever floats your boat. I have friends who have said "I'd never date a guy with characteristics such as X." And while I admire them for knowing what they want, sometimes the qualifications are somewhat ridiculous and exclude people who would otherwise be perfect for them.

I have one friend who refuses to date a man who has blonde hair. Really? I know some VERY attractive blondies (Paul Walker, Charlie Hunnam, Chris Hemsworth come to mind in the celebrity world). And then there's the whole style thing. Women are more inclined to care about wardrobe than men. It's just life. Unless you're into the whole metro phenomenon, which I've rebelled against by taking LESS care of my own appearance, a lot of guys are going to be fixer uppers in that department. Many don't care, or wouldn't have the slightest inkling of where to go to find clothes that are stylish and complimentary to their body type. Help them. Provide guidance. Go shopping with them somewhere affordable and give them your opinion. Most are open to it. They want to look good for you, and they know that if they do, chances are you'll want to jump them later.

But let's get down to the real problem with the Picky Paulas out there. Anyone who knows anything about psychology can see right through the excuse. People who are really picky are often that way because it keeps most people at a distance. If they pick a potential partner apart and focus on their flaws so they don't connect with them and subsequently sabotage the relationship, they don't have to risk the other person rejecting them for a similar reason or, even worse, for something that has to do with their character. I for one can deal with a rejection based on stupid criteria (I'm too tall or other such nonsense). But if someone were to say they are rejecting me because they believe I'm an idiot or a fool, that stings a little more. I have always tried to date men who are over 6'0 tall. Why? Because I'm 5'7 (add a few inches on for heels), not stick-skinny, and sometimes feel like "the big girl." I don't want to dwarf my boyfriend because it makes me feel like a moose. That however, is MY problem. I also didn't think I'd ever date a freckled red-head and well, now I live with one.

So here's the bottom line lovelies...it's ok to have standards. It's ok to have specific things that you don't want a person to possess (a Smartcar for example).  But when it comes down to it, how much of your dislike of their characteristics has to do with them and how much has to do with your own issues? Think about it, and maybe try giving one item on your list of 500 deal breakers a pass. You may just meet your soul mate.


ESJ

Emo hamburger anyone?

I have never been able to let go easily. I carried a blankie until I was ten and it was so shredded and worn by 1986 that it became a long running family joke. I also played with barbies until I was 12 and still have some stored in my parents' garage. Why am I telling you this? I understand what is difficult about abandoning a situation (or person) that has run its course in your life. But the worst thing you can do if your relationship has reached its sell-by date is to keep trying to make it what it once was or what you want it to be.

Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who was exactly what and who I wanted out of life. He was tall, charismatic, charming and mysterious (read emotionally unavailable). For three and a half years he tortured my poor soul and left me wanting more (red flag numero uno). I waited for his call always, never dated anyone else (even when we were "off") and basically lived for him. Choke.  As was mentioned in a previous post, I was completely in love with him (well more like obsessed) and he liked me "enough" to keep me around for that length of time. Our relationship was mostly long distance and I think that probably was why I was so enamored (it's easy to maintain the fantasy when the person isn't involved in the day-to-day hum drum). My dad never liked the guy (and that was a red flag as he's not the typical dad waiting at the door with a loaded shotgun even though he can be a bit scary). He once told me, in his tactful yet fatherly stern way "he just doesn't seem present". It was such a brilliant observation and after the ex and I broke up, I wondered how my father could look at the two of us together for 5 minutes and see it. But I digress...

So one August evening after I had moved to Vegas and was out with some friends, I discovered after not being able to get ahold of my boyfriend, that he was in town. He just didn't want to let me know he was here because he was partying with his friend, who I liked to call the "id". It was at that moment that I realized our time had come to part ways. As actions speak louder than words, his lack of communication left no question that this person put the "I" in TEAM and I needed to run as far away as I could from him.  I won't get into the specifics of the breakup (it was the first time in my life that I was able to tell him to go pound sand). And to be honest, it felt good to unload all that emotional suckage. I have since learned my lesson with regard to beating dead horses or trying to squeeze water out of rocks or any other metaphor one can think of that symbolizes fruitless and pointless pursuits.

Here's the general rule of thumb with regard to letting go: if it consistently makes you feel like shit more than it makes you feel good, walk away. I know that sometimes when a relationship is reaching that point, any small measure of good will or period of calmness can mess with your head and make you think things are back to normal. Don't let it fool you. Weigh the percentages. 80% shitty and 20% happy is still not a good ratio.

Have a great week friends.

ESJ