He's just not that...wait, isn't that a book?

I read the book several years back entitled "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I resisted its content, and didn't believe the message necessarily applied to me. Yes, I was that person who could not take the criticism. I have always been taught to be a go-getter, a person who pushes through to get what she wants out of life. But I was missing that part of the equation that involved other people. In many situations, I thought, "if I'm patient and give the person plenty of love and consistent attention, they will some day realize what they have (or had), and I will get what I want." After each time that I showered the object of my affection with any and everything I had to give, many times too early in the relationship, I was devastated by the result. I started to realize that the problem was a combination of my wanting to put people into the relationship box that I wanted them to fit in, whether they liked it or not, and them being, well, just not that into me.
Let me start by saying I've never really had a problem meeting men. I think I do first impressions well. But when it came to the end game, I always crashed and burned. For three solid years I would meet them, discard them fairly quickly if I knew right away that I didn't like them (playing games is a karmic bitch that always seems to bite one in the ass), or try too hard with the ones who got to stage 2, i.e. the 4th or 5th date with me. Ugh.
The first mistake I always made with those men I liked was making myself too available to them. I would make plans and keep them, pretty much any time they asked. I would re-arrange my schedule, hang out at inconvenient times, and incorporate them into my life even though I had only recently met them. While a guy making consistent plans with you is a sign that he may be into you, is it really necessary to put other important things on the back burner to make time for him when you and he both are still not completely sure where things will go? And why did I value my time so little that I was willing to just give it out for nothing?

The second mistake I made was making excuses for why we had been dating for several months and yet were still not exclusive. Really? If you like me enough to hang with me three or four times a week, and yet you still want to keep dating other people, you are a spoiled child who doesn't know what he wants or just wants to have his cake and well you know the rest. Bye. Although that "wanna be my boyfriend? Check the yes box" conversation is a tad uncomfortable, have it after about 2-3 months. If he still is not sure, it's a warning sign. Run. Run fast. Women often know within the first week whether or not we want to have a relationship with you. FYI.

The third mistake, and it's a doozy, was allowing text messaging to be substituted for real communication. I don't believe texting was ever supposed to be a mode of conversation that gives people hope. And yet it does. "OMG. Guess who texted me last night?" I've said it. I've read too much into it. And it's stupid. No one who is genuinely interested in you is going to only text you. They want to talk to you. They want to make plans with you. I have a dear girlfriend who received a text from a former flame several weeks ago that simply read, "hey." Is that what passes for communication these days? It wasn't "hey (insert name here), how are you?" or better yet....and I know it's dated, a PHONE CALL. "Hey there lovely fantastic beautiful person, how are you? I haven't talked to you for awhile and something made me think of you so I decided to call" is a nice way to go.  But the wide net cast by "hey" was an insult to her, and an insult to the other 20 people who were probably included in the list of recipients. She didn't respond. And I'm proud of her for that.

The fourth mistake and the last I will get into because you may be somewhat sick of reading by now is the issue that has become a syndrome called "I like you enough." Most women that I know, even though we are comfortable being alone, would like companionship from a man (or woman if they are same sex inclined). So many times we meet people that we end up pining for because they spend time with us, see us periodically, but we just can't seem to get them to commit. If a casual scenario is ok with you, that relationship works. But if you want something more meaningful, you're not going to be happy. I had a conversation with a male friend a year or two ago about a girl he was dating who wanted to be in a relationship with him but he felt himself resisting. "I like her enough, but I just don't think I want anything long term with her." That opened my eyes. I was that girl for three whole years!! I was good enough for them to go out with for awhile, hang around with (because let's face it I am pretty cool-ha), but I was not someone with whom they wanted to have a long term relationship. They liked me just enough to not want to get rid of me immediately, but not enough for what I wanted. Always check yourself that way kittens. Are you the girl they like just enough for now until something they like better comes along? Or do you want to be with someone who likes you THE SAME?

We must not allow the bare minimum to be what we accept from people these days. Standards and some expectations with regard to how you want to be treated will only set the bar high and either make them rise to the occasion, or get lost fast, saving you the time and aggravation. That, my friends, will not only eliminate the question of whether or not "he's not that into you," it will kick it in the balls. And remember, if you find yourself bitching to other people about how you don't understand a male behavior because it is sending you mixed signals, take a step back and say to yourself "it shouldn't be this hard." Men are literal creatures. They don't do grey areas. If they like you, you will not have to wonder.

Have a wonderful week lovelies.

ESJ

He's married....you're not. Why not?

Hello friends. Elle St. John here. I'm not a PhD, a MS or have any combination of letters after my name. I'm just a person who is often enlisted to aid other women as they seek to weed through the mess of dating and relationships that is 2011. This is my first attempt at a blog so please forgive any typos or other such mistakes. I'm far more concerned with you receiving my message (which I will broadcast loud and clear). I've dated a lot in the last five years before finding my current plus one. Feel free to disagree with me and ask questions. I'll answer. Promise. On to the first post....

Any woman who is desperate and lonely enough to date an unhappily married man, (or a happy one who is just looking for some "strange"), is setting herself up for a disaster.
Here's the bottom line.....9 times out of 10 he is never going to leave her for you. And fast forward a year or two even if he does, and where would you like the relationship to go? I bet it's not to the other side of the situation, i.e. YOU being cheated on by a guy who sees monogamy as a color of wood, "my apartment smells of leather bound books and rich monogamy."  I'm not saying it always ends up that way, but trust me, you are most likely not the exception to the rule. The whole "we are getting a divorce" is 99% of the time just a line to get into your pants. And if you allow it, you are letting him know you are comfortable being a side dish. Me? I'm a main course kind of girl. But I suppose if your self-esteem, or lack thereof, can allow this to continue, go girl.

You don't have to listen to my advice (although let's not kid ourselves, you probably have asked me for it multiple times and never heeded it, and after getting kicked in the face have come back crying asking for it again). But trust me, as someone who has unknowingly dated a married person, and found out after the fact when his wife emailed me (whoops), despite any temporary excitement, it's not worth it. The wife finding out about you, if you have a conscience, will make you feel like shit. And is there really not enough divorced or single men out there that you have to go into someone elses' shitty situation and exploit it?

Food for thought....oh and it works the same even if they aren't married but are still in another committed relationship. Think "why isn't he leaving her for me," and then realize "because he is either not that into me, or he just wants to play," and move on.

Speaking of "not that into me"....well that's a conversation for next time......

Toodles. Love well.