I went to an event last weekend with a dear friend and ran into several people that I knew or recognized. One was a friend I've known since junior high and see periodically. While I was trying to get her attention, I glanced at another friend of hers, a male, who I had also met previously. With him I exchanged a brief "hi" and asked him to get the attention of my female friend. Not ten minutes later when I had run into yet another girl I knew from the past, she asked how I knew the male friend. I didn't know him at all actually. I had run into him the equivolent of 3 times in the past. But she proceeded to tell me she was friends with his girlfriend. Why am I telling you this story? I believe that I was being warned that that guy had or has a girlfriend, just in case I was inclined to flirt with him. And as I walked away from the event, the girlfriend glared at me with the heat of a thousand suns. Was she serious? I made absolutely no effort to even have a conversation with him other than to get the attention of my female friend.
That little exchange prompted me to ask myself a question. Why are women so quick to fight with each other?
As I mentioned, I didn't really know at all the guy in question, and I have a significant other myself. I can't imagine being so insecure that I wouldn't even allow my boyfriend to speak to another person who has a vagina. Perhaps this girl's boyfriend was a known cheater. Perhaps she was raised without a father. I don't know the real issue, but it didn't have anything to do with me.
Women do this all the time. They automatically assume that other women are going to steal their boyfriend/husband, and will pretty much fight to the death in order to preserve their relationship, which, let's be honest, isn't worth saving if it's that easily upset.
Trust these days has become such a rare commodity. There are some situations in which a woman has major issues and can't live without the attention of men who are already tied to someone else. But guess what? It takes two to tango. I don't care who flirts with my boyfriend. Since he knows how good he has it, he's not taking the bait. This is not to say that other men wouldn't accept an invitation from an attractive woman (or in some cases downright homely, as cheaters often cheat "down"). But if he does, that's his problem and he's not good enough for you. Ditch him.
I know there is a shortage of men, particularly good ones, in the world and especially here in Vegas. But let's really look at who it is we are competing for. If he's easily led, fickle or a committment phobe, do we really want him? The right guy with the right intentions will always make a girl feel like there's no one in the world who can take his attention away from her. I have plenty of male friends who don't operate like "wandering eye Willy". Consequently they are the ones who are always asking me where to find a good woman. If some women, such as the jealous girlfriend mentioned above, would like to get their heads out of their asses and stop pursuing the un-gettable one who is seemingly exciting because of his ability to elude, I'd make introductions. Until then, I hope she enjoys her super big gulp sized glass of hater-aid. I myself will be going home to someone whose attention I can count on.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Internet Dating: Like Shopping at Ross....
I've been asked a lot of questions about Internet dating protocol as I was quite an aficionado of that type of interaction for a time. It was, like the title suggests, a lot like shopping at Ross. Every so often, you can find an extraordinary deal, but mostly it's just a lot of time spent weeding through crap.
How do you sort the massive database of people who are on there? Depending on the site, you have the option of narrowing your search criteria to be fairly specific such as race, religious affiliation, height, hair color, etc., (you know, all the things that in the end will be deal breakers).
But what do you do once your list emerges? I think that depends on your level of interest. I rarely sent emails to prospective "fish," or "matches," but when I did, it was usually something light-hearted and funny. I didn't really go out with many people from there but I certainly emerged with interesting stories to tell friends and family. After a few months of doing this I found myself becoming more and more talented at picking out those who were never going to be Mr. Right. Here is a brief list of things I looked for followed by a loose guide to online etiquette. Yours could be different, depending on your priorities.
1. Does he have a drink or a beer in his hand in every photo? That would be a no thanks. If the only pictures of someone taken are when they're double fisting at a bar, they probably aren't the marrying kind, or at least, not currently. Also, they most likely don't have any hobbies and are in need of an outlet.
2. Is there only one photo, and it's ethereal and of the side of his or her face? That means he/she knows he/she's not very attractive and will most likely not look anything like the picture. Don't you want someone who is comfortable being who they are? I do.
3. Does his/her profile talk about anything other than what he/she likes to do, who his/her friends are, or what type of car he/she drives? If there's not one damned thing in that drivel that suggests he knows at all what he's looking for in a woman (or what she's looking for in a man), that means he/she either doesn't know or just doesn't care. Run. Run fast.
4. Does he(she) have a self portrait on his profile that was taken in front of a toilet? Someone who doesn't take the time to at least have a friend take a semi-decent picture of him/her with his phone to make sure future beaus see a decent representation of himself probably isn't that dedicated to the cause. Just saying.
5. Are there pictures on there with him and strippers? When men, who typically shy away from having their picture taken unless they are transgendered, are posing with some scantily clad woman cloaked in glitter and daddy issues, they are doing the equivalent of posing with a ferrari. It's something they can't afford but probably spend time dreaming about. Not interested. I've always found that men who frequent those places are searching for some sort of fantasy that will never be. I'm more of a "too truthful to be good" kind of girl. Take it or leave it...this is me.
How do you sort the massive database of people who are on there? Depending on the site, you have the option of narrowing your search criteria to be fairly specific such as race, religious affiliation, height, hair color, etc., (you know, all the things that in the end will be deal breakers).
But what do you do once your list emerges? I think that depends on your level of interest. I rarely sent emails to prospective "fish," or "matches," but when I did, it was usually something light-hearted and funny. I didn't really go out with many people from there but I certainly emerged with interesting stories to tell friends and family. After a few months of doing this I found myself becoming more and more talented at picking out those who were never going to be Mr. Right. Here is a brief list of things I looked for followed by a loose guide to online etiquette. Yours could be different, depending on your priorities.
1. Does he have a drink or a beer in his hand in every photo? That would be a no thanks. If the only pictures of someone taken are when they're double fisting at a bar, they probably aren't the marrying kind, or at least, not currently. Also, they most likely don't have any hobbies and are in need of an outlet.
2. Is there only one photo, and it's ethereal and of the side of his or her face? That means he/she knows he/she's not very attractive and will most likely not look anything like the picture. Don't you want someone who is comfortable being who they are? I do.
3. Does his/her profile talk about anything other than what he/she likes to do, who his/her friends are, or what type of car he/she drives? If there's not one damned thing in that drivel that suggests he knows at all what he's looking for in a woman (or what she's looking for in a man), that means he/she either doesn't know or just doesn't care. Run. Run fast.
4. Does he(she) have a self portrait on his profile that was taken in front of a toilet? Someone who doesn't take the time to at least have a friend take a semi-decent picture of him/her with his phone to make sure future beaus see a decent representation of himself probably isn't that dedicated to the cause. Just saying.
5. Are there pictures on there with him and strippers? When men, who typically shy away from having their picture taken unless they are transgendered, are posing with some scantily clad woman cloaked in glitter and daddy issues, they are doing the equivalent of posing with a ferrari. It's something they can't afford but probably spend time dreaming about. Not interested. I've always found that men who frequent those places are searching for some sort of fantasy that will never be. I'm more of a "too truthful to be good" kind of girl. Take it or leave it...this is me.
And now for the online etiquette. These are my personal rules of conduct for online dating....I'm not a complete a-hole, but I really don't believe in wasting people's time if there's no attraction.
1. You are not required to respond to everyone who sends you a message initially. Just because they picked you out of a sea of ugly sweaters doesn't mean that you somehow owe them a response. I once received two threatening emails from a person who said "didn't you get my message? Are you just not responding? I'm sure you are so busy that you just don't have time for me."
Uh....hey PSYCHO. Since you're so insistent on me responding, let me take some time out of my busy schedule to tell you I'M NOT INTERESTED. But thanks for playing (that was word for word by the way).
2. Don't text naked pics of yourself. But if you decide to do this, make sure you cut off your head and any identifying tattoos etc. You don't know this person, and you don't know how important or unimportant they will become to you. I don't really know of any long term couple whose first fond memory of each other was a beaver shot on their blackberry. A nicely timed naked pic once you're together for awhile is nice, but within the first week of dating it's perceived as desperate. FYI.
3. Don't meet people for lunch or dinner until you've met a few times. If you want to see how well you click, meet for coffee or something else that's benign. You have no time or monetary obligation to them then. It's far easier to blow them off afterward if they didn't drop $150 on dinner. Plus, do you really want to be "that bitch who made me take her to dinner and never called me again"?
4. If it's possible, and you see someone on there who strikes your fancy, wait. Chances are you'll end up on their "guess who's checked you out" or "favorites" list and they will contact you if they're interested. If they never do and you happen to look on the site 6 months down the line and they're still on it, they might be a "searcher" like the strip club frequent flyers mentioned above. Let's not.
I once met a guy on match.com who I spoke to on the phone for awhile and finally met at a restaurant, where I proceeded to order a double vodka soda and a salad while he had coffee and sat and watched me eat all night. "Perhaps he is just not hungry" I thought to myself. He then proceeded to pick things off of my salad plate and talk about the other people at the restaurant, specifically their physical attributes and shortcomings in that department. Who the f died and made this guy Brad Pitt? I'm not sure, but I was quite certain there would be no second date. I still see him about town occasionally, and have a friend who also went out with him once. We laugh at the fact that he is still looking for Ms. Right. With his impossibly high standards, he'll be searching for awhile. Good luck bro.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Are you having that 'not so fresh' feeling????
If you have experienced emotional dryness, itching or other uncomfortable symptoms, you could be being mis-handled by a DB ("douchebag" for the layman).
Here are some ways to determine if the person is truly exhibiting DB behavior or if there has just been a simple misunderstanding.
I once had a date who cancelled a date with me just an hour and a half before the date was scheduled to occur. I am one of the rarest of girls who puts about 15 minutes of effort into getting ready after emerging from the shower (it's not that I'm really hot, it's that I just don't care) so, in keeping with my "I really don't give that much of a shit" attitude, I had yet to start when I received the call. If I were one of those people who are painstaking about their appearance and don't have the "I just emerged from bed and ran out of foundation" look like I do, I would have been really pissed. He called the following day and said he had food poisoning and that he felt really terrible and tried like hell to not cancel which was why he waited until the last minute to let me know. I never went out with him. Even if the excuse was bullshit it was an explanation that temporarily suspended my disbelief. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on it.
On the other hand, I once had a guy make plans with me to come over for dinner (our third or fourth date). I spoke with him earlier in the day to confirm the time. He asked what he could bring. "I'll get the groceries and you just bring a bottle of wine for us to share," said my uber-giving, desperate-to-please self. Yeah well....tick tock tick tock.....he no-called, no-showed. Just like that. Zero to DOUCHE in 20 minutes. Not only did he waste my time and my money on groceries, but he didn't even show up with the wine so I could get a nice healthy buzz as I was crying in my six months worth of leftover chicken parm. Have you ever had someone say something to you that was such a lie that you just couldn't believe you were hearing it? Well that was his excuse. "My ex-girlfriend came over to my house and trashed it, and I was picking up pieces of my laptop and possessions all night". Really dude? A text cancelling (still a DB move) takes 10 seconds. It may be hard to believe but I was more insulted by the flimsy excuse than the actual no-call no-show. I didn't respond to him ever again in life and stuck his imaginary voodoo doll with pins that evening. I still do sometimes, just to get some sort of sick pleasure in the fact that it might cause him to double over in pain from my fantasy kick to the balls.
I think one of the worse things we do to each other as humans is ignore someone when we can't face uncomfortable truths about the relationship. Nothing feels worse than when we are left hanging not knowing what to do because some idiot plays fast and loose with our feelings. What ever happened to courtesy? If you don't like someone anymore and have spent some time with that person, grow a pair and tell them you don't want to be more than friends with them. Or if you aren't that into them, don't freaking keep making plans with them and leading them on (if you know they are truly interested in you).
If you ever find yourself the victim of any form of douchebaggery, step back, assess the behavior, and imagine yourself slapping that person's mom (this emotional issue is learned somewhere), and give yourself the choice. A. Do I want to be the person who teaches this emotional numb nuts how to treat me? Or B. Do I want to try to find someone who can put their big boy or girl pants on and be honest with me about where we stand if it's uneven?
If you choose A, be prepared to take a pretty big risk on a person who has already proven to be, well, a DB, and completely careless with your feelings.
I hope you're feeling a little fresher now lovelies. Love and peace.
ESJ
Here are some ways to determine if the person is truly exhibiting DB behavior or if there has just been a simple misunderstanding.
I once had a date who cancelled a date with me just an hour and a half before the date was scheduled to occur. I am one of the rarest of girls who puts about 15 minutes of effort into getting ready after emerging from the shower (it's not that I'm really hot, it's that I just don't care) so, in keeping with my "I really don't give that much of a shit" attitude, I had yet to start when I received the call. If I were one of those people who are painstaking about their appearance and don't have the "I just emerged from bed and ran out of foundation" look like I do, I would have been really pissed. He called the following day and said he had food poisoning and that he felt really terrible and tried like hell to not cancel which was why he waited until the last minute to let me know. I never went out with him. Even if the excuse was bullshit it was an explanation that temporarily suspended my disbelief. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on it.
On the other hand, I once had a guy make plans with me to come over for dinner (our third or fourth date). I spoke with him earlier in the day to confirm the time. He asked what he could bring. "I'll get the groceries and you just bring a bottle of wine for us to share," said my uber-giving, desperate-to-please self. Yeah well....tick tock tick tock.....he no-called, no-showed. Just like that. Zero to DOUCHE in 20 minutes. Not only did he waste my time and my money on groceries, but he didn't even show up with the wine so I could get a nice healthy buzz as I was crying in my six months worth of leftover chicken parm. Have you ever had someone say something to you that was such a lie that you just couldn't believe you were hearing it? Well that was his excuse. "My ex-girlfriend came over to my house and trashed it, and I was picking up pieces of my laptop and possessions all night". Really dude? A text cancelling (still a DB move) takes 10 seconds. It may be hard to believe but I was more insulted by the flimsy excuse than the actual no-call no-show. I didn't respond to him ever again in life and stuck his imaginary voodoo doll with pins that evening. I still do sometimes, just to get some sort of sick pleasure in the fact that it might cause him to double over in pain from my fantasy kick to the balls.
I think one of the worse things we do to each other as humans is ignore someone when we can't face uncomfortable truths about the relationship. Nothing feels worse than when we are left hanging not knowing what to do because some idiot plays fast and loose with our feelings. What ever happened to courtesy? If you don't like someone anymore and have spent some time with that person, grow a pair and tell them you don't want to be more than friends with them. Or if you aren't that into them, don't freaking keep making plans with them and leading them on (if you know they are truly interested in you).
If you ever find yourself the victim of any form of douchebaggery, step back, assess the behavior, and imagine yourself slapping that person's mom (this emotional issue is learned somewhere), and give yourself the choice. A. Do I want to be the person who teaches this emotional numb nuts how to treat me? Or B. Do I want to try to find someone who can put their big boy or girl pants on and be honest with me about where we stand if it's uneven?
If you choose A, be prepared to take a pretty big risk on a person who has already proven to be, well, a DB, and completely careless with your feelings.
I hope you're feeling a little fresher now lovelies. Love and peace.
ESJ
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