Welcome me back friends. I've been on hiatus (read soul-sucked by my day job) but I keep having a repeat theme show up in the daily lives of my girlfriends.
We have all been at that uncomfortable part of a new relationship where we don't know what's going on. We had what we thought was a really good series of dates, wherein the object of our affections gave us seemingly high level of interest, only to have them wait a week or so to contact us again or play other such games.
I'm not going to sugar coat it for you (it's how I roll). That's bad.
When you are forced to deal with the elephant in the room that is the sudden drop in attention, that's your gut. And she is telling you to bolt. Before you go manic, stop. Breathe. Before those shitty thoughts that never got anyone anywhere creep into your psyche "what did I do to make him not call anymore", or "I must not be good enough", remember...it's not about you. He might have mommy issues. He might have recently been hurt. He might have an IQ of 40. He might not be over someone else. Or, he might be a good old fashioned commitment phobe. What the reason might be is not as important as the message. For whatever reason he doesn't appreciate your awesomeness. Do you really want to date a fool who either doesn't get it or is too blind to see it? I didn't think so.
Yes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs in today's dating world before you meet a prince. It used to be, before whatever intrusive media we have decided we can't live without invaded our lives, that a man would have to ask the permission of a woman's father to even take her out. Over the years, women's rights have advanced somewhat, and we have taken over the roll of decision maker in our own lives. But that doesn't mean we always make the right one. It's like a syndrome these days to see smart, attractive, competent, well-put- together women weeping over this type of stuff when all they have to do is cut loose he who does not get it. Don't get me wrong. I've been the dumb girl too. She sucks. I had to learn through many repeated emotional ass kickings that it's always better to pull the band-aid off of a shitty situation rather than carry on until it really hurts. If you don't cut loose, and continue to wait until he "comes around", the resulting heartbreak will be your own doing and your own fault.
Here's a surefire way to gauge interest. Stop calling. Stop texting. If it takes him longer than a day to check in with you (and by that I mean "hey Susie want to go to the movies this weekend", not the blanket text that could be sent to his mom or his dog), there's your answer. The guy with genuine interest texts and calls you every day. He sends you cute messages in the morning. He calls you in the afternoon to tell you a funny story. He makes plans to see you after work or whenever he is free ( as in later this week, not two months from now). If you have to ask why he's not giving you attention, the answer is almost certainly that he's not that interested. And don't fall into the text trap if you can help it. If the only contact you have with a person is through text, you're in trouble. It's not a relationship, it's "Craig's List dating". Don't be the person with the couch that is desperate to sell it for $50.
Remember that one of the most attractive things about a woman is her ability to value herself. If you don't take shit from anyone, eventually you will meet someone who doesn't want to give it.
Have a lovely week darlings.
ESJ
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Picky Pick Pick
There are many many online dating websites these days. Many have specific twists to try to weed out people with interests or backgrounds that are dissimilar and could potentially be deal breakers (jdate, eharmony etc.). I don't really get the whole exclusivity thing (like most religions, it seems to exclude more than include or offer up an array of people whose differences might actually teach you something). But I digress. Whatever floats your boat. I have friends who have said "I'd never date a guy with characteristics such as X." And while I admire them for knowing what they want, sometimes the qualifications are somewhat ridiculous and exclude people who would otherwise be perfect for them.
I have one friend who refuses to date a man who has blonde hair. Really? I know some VERY attractive blondies (Paul Walker, Charlie Hunnam, Chris Hemsworth come to mind in the celebrity world). And then there's the whole style thing. Women are more inclined to care about wardrobe than men. It's just life. Unless you're into the whole metro phenomenon, which I've rebelled against by taking LESS care of my own appearance, a lot of guys are going to be fixer uppers in that department. Many don't care, or wouldn't have the slightest inkling of where to go to find clothes that are stylish and complimentary to their body type. Help them. Provide guidance. Go shopping with them somewhere affordable and give them your opinion. Most are open to it. They want to look good for you, and they know that if they do, chances are you'll want to jump them later.
But let's get down to the real problem with the Picky Paulas out there. Anyone who knows anything about psychology can see right through the excuse. People who are really picky are often that way because it keeps most people at a distance. If they pick a potential partner apart and focus on their flaws so they don't connect with them and subsequently sabotage the relationship, they don't have to risk the other person rejecting them for a similar reason or, even worse, for something that has to do with their character. I for one can deal with a rejection based on stupid criteria (I'm too tall or other such nonsense). But if someone were to say they are rejecting me because they believe I'm an idiot or a fool, that stings a little more. I have always tried to date men who are over 6'0 tall. Why? Because I'm 5'7 (add a few inches on for heels), not stick-skinny, and sometimes feel like "the big girl." I don't want to dwarf my boyfriend because it makes me feel like a moose. That however, is MY problem. I also didn't think I'd ever date a freckled red-head and well, now I live with one.
So here's the bottom line lovelies...it's ok to have standards. It's ok to have specific things that you don't want a person to possess (a Smartcar for example). But when it comes down to it, how much of your dislike of their characteristics has to do with them and how much has to do with your own issues? Think about it, and maybe try giving one item on your list of 500 deal breakers a pass. You may just meet your soul mate.
ESJ
I have one friend who refuses to date a man who has blonde hair. Really? I know some VERY attractive blondies (Paul Walker, Charlie Hunnam, Chris Hemsworth come to mind in the celebrity world). And then there's the whole style thing. Women are more inclined to care about wardrobe than men. It's just life. Unless you're into the whole metro phenomenon, which I've rebelled against by taking LESS care of my own appearance, a lot of guys are going to be fixer uppers in that department. Many don't care, or wouldn't have the slightest inkling of where to go to find clothes that are stylish and complimentary to their body type. Help them. Provide guidance. Go shopping with them somewhere affordable and give them your opinion. Most are open to it. They want to look good for you, and they know that if they do, chances are you'll want to jump them later.
But let's get down to the real problem with the Picky Paulas out there. Anyone who knows anything about psychology can see right through the excuse. People who are really picky are often that way because it keeps most people at a distance. If they pick a potential partner apart and focus on their flaws so they don't connect with them and subsequently sabotage the relationship, they don't have to risk the other person rejecting them for a similar reason or, even worse, for something that has to do with their character. I for one can deal with a rejection based on stupid criteria (I'm too tall or other such nonsense). But if someone were to say they are rejecting me because they believe I'm an idiot or a fool, that stings a little more. I have always tried to date men who are over 6'0 tall. Why? Because I'm 5'7 (add a few inches on for heels), not stick-skinny, and sometimes feel like "the big girl." I don't want to dwarf my boyfriend because it makes me feel like a moose. That however, is MY problem. I also didn't think I'd ever date a freckled red-head and well, now I live with one.
So here's the bottom line lovelies...it's ok to have standards. It's ok to have specific things that you don't want a person to possess (a Smartcar for example). But when it comes down to it, how much of your dislike of their characteristics has to do with them and how much has to do with your own issues? Think about it, and maybe try giving one item on your list of 500 deal breakers a pass. You may just meet your soul mate.
ESJ
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Emo hamburger anyone?
I have never been able to let go easily. I carried a blankie until I was ten and it was so shredded and worn by 1986 that it became a long running family joke. I also played with barbies until I was 12 and still have some stored in my parents' garage. Why am I telling you this? I understand what is difficult about abandoning a situation (or person) that has run its course in your life. But the worst thing you can do if your relationship has reached its sell-by date is to keep trying to make it what it once was or what you want it to be.
Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who was exactly what and who I wanted out of life. He was tall, charismatic, charming and mysterious (read emotionally unavailable). For three and a half years he tortured my poor soul and left me wanting more (red flag numero uno). I waited for his call always, never dated anyone else (even when we were "off") and basically lived for him. Choke. As was mentioned in a previous post, I was completely in love with him (well more like obsessed) and he liked me "enough" to keep me around for that length of time. Our relationship was mostly long distance and I think that probably was why I was so enamored (it's easy to maintain the fantasy when the person isn't involved in the day-to-day hum drum). My dad never liked the guy (and that was a red flag as he's not the typical dad waiting at the door with a loaded shotgun even though he can be a bit scary). He once told me, in his tactful yet fatherly stern way "he just doesn't seem present". It was such a brilliant observation and after the ex and I broke up, I wondered how my father could look at the two of us together for 5 minutes and see it. But I digress...
So one August evening after I had moved to Vegas and was out with some friends, I discovered after not being able to get ahold of my boyfriend, that he was in town. He just didn't want to let me know he was here because he was partying with his friend, who I liked to call the "id". It was at that moment that I realized our time had come to part ways. As actions speak louder than words, his lack of communication left no question that this person put the "I" in TEAM and I needed to run as far away as I could from him. I won't get into the specifics of the breakup (it was the first time in my life that I was able to tell him to go pound sand). And to be honest, it felt good to unload all that emotional suckage. I have since learned my lesson with regard to beating dead horses or trying to squeeze water out of rocks or any other metaphor one can think of that symbolizes fruitless and pointless pursuits.
Here's the general rule of thumb with regard to letting go: if it consistently makes you feel like shit more than it makes you feel good, walk away. I know that sometimes when a relationship is reaching that point, any small measure of good will or period of calmness can mess with your head and make you think things are back to normal. Don't let it fool you. Weigh the percentages. 80% shitty and 20% happy is still not a good ratio.
Have a great week friends.
ESJ
Once upon a time I had a boyfriend who was exactly what and who I wanted out of life. He was tall, charismatic, charming and mysterious (read emotionally unavailable). For three and a half years he tortured my poor soul and left me wanting more (red flag numero uno). I waited for his call always, never dated anyone else (even when we were "off") and basically lived for him. Choke. As was mentioned in a previous post, I was completely in love with him (well more like obsessed) and he liked me "enough" to keep me around for that length of time. Our relationship was mostly long distance and I think that probably was why I was so enamored (it's easy to maintain the fantasy when the person isn't involved in the day-to-day hum drum). My dad never liked the guy (and that was a red flag as he's not the typical dad waiting at the door with a loaded shotgun even though he can be a bit scary). He once told me, in his tactful yet fatherly stern way "he just doesn't seem present". It was such a brilliant observation and after the ex and I broke up, I wondered how my father could look at the two of us together for 5 minutes and see it. But I digress...
So one August evening after I had moved to Vegas and was out with some friends, I discovered after not being able to get ahold of my boyfriend, that he was in town. He just didn't want to let me know he was here because he was partying with his friend, who I liked to call the "id". It was at that moment that I realized our time had come to part ways. As actions speak louder than words, his lack of communication left no question that this person put the "I" in TEAM and I needed to run as far away as I could from him. I won't get into the specifics of the breakup (it was the first time in my life that I was able to tell him to go pound sand). And to be honest, it felt good to unload all that emotional suckage. I have since learned my lesson with regard to beating dead horses or trying to squeeze water out of rocks or any other metaphor one can think of that symbolizes fruitless and pointless pursuits.
Here's the general rule of thumb with regard to letting go: if it consistently makes you feel like shit more than it makes you feel good, walk away. I know that sometimes when a relationship is reaching that point, any small measure of good will or period of calmness can mess with your head and make you think things are back to normal. Don't let it fool you. Weigh the percentages. 80% shitty and 20% happy is still not a good ratio.
Have a great week friends.
ESJ
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Hater-aid Leaves a Poor Taste...
I went to an event last weekend with a dear friend and ran into several people that I knew or recognized. One was a friend I've known since junior high and see periodically. While I was trying to get her attention, I glanced at another friend of hers, a male, who I had also met previously. With him I exchanged a brief "hi" and asked him to get the attention of my female friend. Not ten minutes later when I had run into yet another girl I knew from the past, she asked how I knew the male friend. I didn't know him at all actually. I had run into him the equivolent of 3 times in the past. But she proceeded to tell me she was friends with his girlfriend. Why am I telling you this story? I believe that I was being warned that that guy had or has a girlfriend, just in case I was inclined to flirt with him. And as I walked away from the event, the girlfriend glared at me with the heat of a thousand suns. Was she serious? I made absolutely no effort to even have a conversation with him other than to get the attention of my female friend.
That little exchange prompted me to ask myself a question. Why are women so quick to fight with each other?
As I mentioned, I didn't really know at all the guy in question, and I have a significant other myself. I can't imagine being so insecure that I wouldn't even allow my boyfriend to speak to another person who has a vagina. Perhaps this girl's boyfriend was a known cheater. Perhaps she was raised without a father. I don't know the real issue, but it didn't have anything to do with me.
Women do this all the time. They automatically assume that other women are going to steal their boyfriend/husband, and will pretty much fight to the death in order to preserve their relationship, which, let's be honest, isn't worth saving if it's that easily upset.
Trust these days has become such a rare commodity. There are some situations in which a woman has major issues and can't live without the attention of men who are already tied to someone else. But guess what? It takes two to tango. I don't care who flirts with my boyfriend. Since he knows how good he has it, he's not taking the bait. This is not to say that other men wouldn't accept an invitation from an attractive woman (or in some cases downright homely, as cheaters often cheat "down"). But if he does, that's his problem and he's not good enough for you. Ditch him.
I know there is a shortage of men, particularly good ones, in the world and especially here in Vegas. But let's really look at who it is we are competing for. If he's easily led, fickle or a committment phobe, do we really want him? The right guy with the right intentions will always make a girl feel like there's no one in the world who can take his attention away from her. I have plenty of male friends who don't operate like "wandering eye Willy". Consequently they are the ones who are always asking me where to find a good woman. If some women, such as the jealous girlfriend mentioned above, would like to get their heads out of their asses and stop pursuing the un-gettable one who is seemingly exciting because of his ability to elude, I'd make introductions. Until then, I hope she enjoys her super big gulp sized glass of hater-aid. I myself will be going home to someone whose attention I can count on.
That little exchange prompted me to ask myself a question. Why are women so quick to fight with each other?
As I mentioned, I didn't really know at all the guy in question, and I have a significant other myself. I can't imagine being so insecure that I wouldn't even allow my boyfriend to speak to another person who has a vagina. Perhaps this girl's boyfriend was a known cheater. Perhaps she was raised without a father. I don't know the real issue, but it didn't have anything to do with me.
Women do this all the time. They automatically assume that other women are going to steal their boyfriend/husband, and will pretty much fight to the death in order to preserve their relationship, which, let's be honest, isn't worth saving if it's that easily upset.
Trust these days has become such a rare commodity. There are some situations in which a woman has major issues and can't live without the attention of men who are already tied to someone else. But guess what? It takes two to tango. I don't care who flirts with my boyfriend. Since he knows how good he has it, he's not taking the bait. This is not to say that other men wouldn't accept an invitation from an attractive woman (or in some cases downright homely, as cheaters often cheat "down"). But if he does, that's his problem and he's not good enough for you. Ditch him.
I know there is a shortage of men, particularly good ones, in the world and especially here in Vegas. But let's really look at who it is we are competing for. If he's easily led, fickle or a committment phobe, do we really want him? The right guy with the right intentions will always make a girl feel like there's no one in the world who can take his attention away from her. I have plenty of male friends who don't operate like "wandering eye Willy". Consequently they are the ones who are always asking me where to find a good woman. If some women, such as the jealous girlfriend mentioned above, would like to get their heads out of their asses and stop pursuing the un-gettable one who is seemingly exciting because of his ability to elude, I'd make introductions. Until then, I hope she enjoys her super big gulp sized glass of hater-aid. I myself will be going home to someone whose attention I can count on.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Internet Dating: Like Shopping at Ross....
I've been asked a lot of questions about Internet dating protocol as I was quite an aficionado of that type of interaction for a time. It was, like the title suggests, a lot like shopping at Ross. Every so often, you can find an extraordinary deal, but mostly it's just a lot of time spent weeding through crap.
How do you sort the massive database of people who are on there? Depending on the site, you have the option of narrowing your search criteria to be fairly specific such as race, religious affiliation, height, hair color, etc., (you know, all the things that in the end will be deal breakers).
But what do you do once your list emerges? I think that depends on your level of interest. I rarely sent emails to prospective "fish," or "matches," but when I did, it was usually something light-hearted and funny. I didn't really go out with many people from there but I certainly emerged with interesting stories to tell friends and family. After a few months of doing this I found myself becoming more and more talented at picking out those who were never going to be Mr. Right. Here is a brief list of things I looked for followed by a loose guide to online etiquette. Yours could be different, depending on your priorities.
1. Does he have a drink or a beer in his hand in every photo? That would be a no thanks. If the only pictures of someone taken are when they're double fisting at a bar, they probably aren't the marrying kind, or at least, not currently. Also, they most likely don't have any hobbies and are in need of an outlet.
2. Is there only one photo, and it's ethereal and of the side of his or her face? That means he/she knows he/she's not very attractive and will most likely not look anything like the picture. Don't you want someone who is comfortable being who they are? I do.
3. Does his/her profile talk about anything other than what he/she likes to do, who his/her friends are, or what type of car he/she drives? If there's not one damned thing in that drivel that suggests he knows at all what he's looking for in a woman (or what she's looking for in a man), that means he/she either doesn't know or just doesn't care. Run. Run fast.
4. Does he(she) have a self portrait on his profile that was taken in front of a toilet? Someone who doesn't take the time to at least have a friend take a semi-decent picture of him/her with his phone to make sure future beaus see a decent representation of himself probably isn't that dedicated to the cause. Just saying.
5. Are there pictures on there with him and strippers? When men, who typically shy away from having their picture taken unless they are transgendered, are posing with some scantily clad woman cloaked in glitter and daddy issues, they are doing the equivalent of posing with a ferrari. It's something they can't afford but probably spend time dreaming about. Not interested. I've always found that men who frequent those places are searching for some sort of fantasy that will never be. I'm more of a "too truthful to be good" kind of girl. Take it or leave it...this is me.
How do you sort the massive database of people who are on there? Depending on the site, you have the option of narrowing your search criteria to be fairly specific such as race, religious affiliation, height, hair color, etc., (you know, all the things that in the end will be deal breakers).
But what do you do once your list emerges? I think that depends on your level of interest. I rarely sent emails to prospective "fish," or "matches," but when I did, it was usually something light-hearted and funny. I didn't really go out with many people from there but I certainly emerged with interesting stories to tell friends and family. After a few months of doing this I found myself becoming more and more talented at picking out those who were never going to be Mr. Right. Here is a brief list of things I looked for followed by a loose guide to online etiquette. Yours could be different, depending on your priorities.
1. Does he have a drink or a beer in his hand in every photo? That would be a no thanks. If the only pictures of someone taken are when they're double fisting at a bar, they probably aren't the marrying kind, or at least, not currently. Also, they most likely don't have any hobbies and are in need of an outlet.
2. Is there only one photo, and it's ethereal and of the side of his or her face? That means he/she knows he/she's not very attractive and will most likely not look anything like the picture. Don't you want someone who is comfortable being who they are? I do.
3. Does his/her profile talk about anything other than what he/she likes to do, who his/her friends are, or what type of car he/she drives? If there's not one damned thing in that drivel that suggests he knows at all what he's looking for in a woman (or what she's looking for in a man), that means he/she either doesn't know or just doesn't care. Run. Run fast.
4. Does he(she) have a self portrait on his profile that was taken in front of a toilet? Someone who doesn't take the time to at least have a friend take a semi-decent picture of him/her with his phone to make sure future beaus see a decent representation of himself probably isn't that dedicated to the cause. Just saying.
5. Are there pictures on there with him and strippers? When men, who typically shy away from having their picture taken unless they are transgendered, are posing with some scantily clad woman cloaked in glitter and daddy issues, they are doing the equivalent of posing with a ferrari. It's something they can't afford but probably spend time dreaming about. Not interested. I've always found that men who frequent those places are searching for some sort of fantasy that will never be. I'm more of a "too truthful to be good" kind of girl. Take it or leave it...this is me.
And now for the online etiquette. These are my personal rules of conduct for online dating....I'm not a complete a-hole, but I really don't believe in wasting people's time if there's no attraction.
1. You are not required to respond to everyone who sends you a message initially. Just because they picked you out of a sea of ugly sweaters doesn't mean that you somehow owe them a response. I once received two threatening emails from a person who said "didn't you get my message? Are you just not responding? I'm sure you are so busy that you just don't have time for me."
Uh....hey PSYCHO. Since you're so insistent on me responding, let me take some time out of my busy schedule to tell you I'M NOT INTERESTED. But thanks for playing (that was word for word by the way).
2. Don't text naked pics of yourself. But if you decide to do this, make sure you cut off your head and any identifying tattoos etc. You don't know this person, and you don't know how important or unimportant they will become to you. I don't really know of any long term couple whose first fond memory of each other was a beaver shot on their blackberry. A nicely timed naked pic once you're together for awhile is nice, but within the first week of dating it's perceived as desperate. FYI.
3. Don't meet people for lunch or dinner until you've met a few times. If you want to see how well you click, meet for coffee or something else that's benign. You have no time or monetary obligation to them then. It's far easier to blow them off afterward if they didn't drop $150 on dinner. Plus, do you really want to be "that bitch who made me take her to dinner and never called me again"?
4. If it's possible, and you see someone on there who strikes your fancy, wait. Chances are you'll end up on their "guess who's checked you out" or "favorites" list and they will contact you if they're interested. If they never do and you happen to look on the site 6 months down the line and they're still on it, they might be a "searcher" like the strip club frequent flyers mentioned above. Let's not.
I once met a guy on match.com who I spoke to on the phone for awhile and finally met at a restaurant, where I proceeded to order a double vodka soda and a salad while he had coffee and sat and watched me eat all night. "Perhaps he is just not hungry" I thought to myself. He then proceeded to pick things off of my salad plate and talk about the other people at the restaurant, specifically their physical attributes and shortcomings in that department. Who the f died and made this guy Brad Pitt? I'm not sure, but I was quite certain there would be no second date. I still see him about town occasionally, and have a friend who also went out with him once. We laugh at the fact that he is still looking for Ms. Right. With his impossibly high standards, he'll be searching for awhile. Good luck bro.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Are you having that 'not so fresh' feeling????
If you have experienced emotional dryness, itching or other uncomfortable symptoms, you could be being mis-handled by a DB ("douchebag" for the layman).
Here are some ways to determine if the person is truly exhibiting DB behavior or if there has just been a simple misunderstanding.
I once had a date who cancelled a date with me just an hour and a half before the date was scheduled to occur. I am one of the rarest of girls who puts about 15 minutes of effort into getting ready after emerging from the shower (it's not that I'm really hot, it's that I just don't care) so, in keeping with my "I really don't give that much of a shit" attitude, I had yet to start when I received the call. If I were one of those people who are painstaking about their appearance and don't have the "I just emerged from bed and ran out of foundation" look like I do, I would have been really pissed. He called the following day and said he had food poisoning and that he felt really terrible and tried like hell to not cancel which was why he waited until the last minute to let me know. I never went out with him. Even if the excuse was bullshit it was an explanation that temporarily suspended my disbelief. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on it.
On the other hand, I once had a guy make plans with me to come over for dinner (our third or fourth date). I spoke with him earlier in the day to confirm the time. He asked what he could bring. "I'll get the groceries and you just bring a bottle of wine for us to share," said my uber-giving, desperate-to-please self. Yeah well....tick tock tick tock.....he no-called, no-showed. Just like that. Zero to DOUCHE in 20 minutes. Not only did he waste my time and my money on groceries, but he didn't even show up with the wine so I could get a nice healthy buzz as I was crying in my six months worth of leftover chicken parm. Have you ever had someone say something to you that was such a lie that you just couldn't believe you were hearing it? Well that was his excuse. "My ex-girlfriend came over to my house and trashed it, and I was picking up pieces of my laptop and possessions all night". Really dude? A text cancelling (still a DB move) takes 10 seconds. It may be hard to believe but I was more insulted by the flimsy excuse than the actual no-call no-show. I didn't respond to him ever again in life and stuck his imaginary voodoo doll with pins that evening. I still do sometimes, just to get some sort of sick pleasure in the fact that it might cause him to double over in pain from my fantasy kick to the balls.
I think one of the worse things we do to each other as humans is ignore someone when we can't face uncomfortable truths about the relationship. Nothing feels worse than when we are left hanging not knowing what to do because some idiot plays fast and loose with our feelings. What ever happened to courtesy? If you don't like someone anymore and have spent some time with that person, grow a pair and tell them you don't want to be more than friends with them. Or if you aren't that into them, don't freaking keep making plans with them and leading them on (if you know they are truly interested in you).
If you ever find yourself the victim of any form of douchebaggery, step back, assess the behavior, and imagine yourself slapping that person's mom (this emotional issue is learned somewhere), and give yourself the choice. A. Do I want to be the person who teaches this emotional numb nuts how to treat me? Or B. Do I want to try to find someone who can put their big boy or girl pants on and be honest with me about where we stand if it's uneven?
If you choose A, be prepared to take a pretty big risk on a person who has already proven to be, well, a DB, and completely careless with your feelings.
I hope you're feeling a little fresher now lovelies. Love and peace.
ESJ
Here are some ways to determine if the person is truly exhibiting DB behavior or if there has just been a simple misunderstanding.
I once had a date who cancelled a date with me just an hour and a half before the date was scheduled to occur. I am one of the rarest of girls who puts about 15 minutes of effort into getting ready after emerging from the shower (it's not that I'm really hot, it's that I just don't care) so, in keeping with my "I really don't give that much of a shit" attitude, I had yet to start when I received the call. If I were one of those people who are painstaking about their appearance and don't have the "I just emerged from bed and ran out of foundation" look like I do, I would have been really pissed. He called the following day and said he had food poisoning and that he felt really terrible and tried like hell to not cancel which was why he waited until the last minute to let me know. I never went out with him. Even if the excuse was bullshit it was an explanation that temporarily suspended my disbelief. I gave him the benefit of the doubt on it.
On the other hand, I once had a guy make plans with me to come over for dinner (our third or fourth date). I spoke with him earlier in the day to confirm the time. He asked what he could bring. "I'll get the groceries and you just bring a bottle of wine for us to share," said my uber-giving, desperate-to-please self. Yeah well....tick tock tick tock.....he no-called, no-showed. Just like that. Zero to DOUCHE in 20 minutes. Not only did he waste my time and my money on groceries, but he didn't even show up with the wine so I could get a nice healthy buzz as I was crying in my six months worth of leftover chicken parm. Have you ever had someone say something to you that was such a lie that you just couldn't believe you were hearing it? Well that was his excuse. "My ex-girlfriend came over to my house and trashed it, and I was picking up pieces of my laptop and possessions all night". Really dude? A text cancelling (still a DB move) takes 10 seconds. It may be hard to believe but I was more insulted by the flimsy excuse than the actual no-call no-show. I didn't respond to him ever again in life and stuck his imaginary voodoo doll with pins that evening. I still do sometimes, just to get some sort of sick pleasure in the fact that it might cause him to double over in pain from my fantasy kick to the balls.
I think one of the worse things we do to each other as humans is ignore someone when we can't face uncomfortable truths about the relationship. Nothing feels worse than when we are left hanging not knowing what to do because some idiot plays fast and loose with our feelings. What ever happened to courtesy? If you don't like someone anymore and have spent some time with that person, grow a pair and tell them you don't want to be more than friends with them. Or if you aren't that into them, don't freaking keep making plans with them and leading them on (if you know they are truly interested in you).
If you ever find yourself the victim of any form of douchebaggery, step back, assess the behavior, and imagine yourself slapping that person's mom (this emotional issue is learned somewhere), and give yourself the choice. A. Do I want to be the person who teaches this emotional numb nuts how to treat me? Or B. Do I want to try to find someone who can put their big boy or girl pants on and be honest with me about where we stand if it's uneven?
If you choose A, be prepared to take a pretty big risk on a person who has already proven to be, well, a DB, and completely careless with your feelings.
I hope you're feeling a little fresher now lovelies. Love and peace.
ESJ
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
He's just not that...wait, isn't that a book?
I read the book several years back entitled "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I resisted its content, and didn't believe the message necessarily applied to me. Yes, I was that person who could not take the criticism. I have always been taught to be a go-getter, a person who pushes through to get what she wants out of life. But I was missing that part of the equation that involved other people. In many situations, I thought, "if I'm patient and give the person plenty of love and consistent attention, they will some day realize what they have (or had), and I will get what I want." After each time that I showered the object of my affection with any and everything I had to give, many times too early in the relationship, I was devastated by the result. I started to realize that the problem was a combination of my wanting to put people into the relationship box that I wanted them to fit in, whether they liked it or not, and them being, well, just not that into me.
Let me start by saying I've never really had a problem meeting men. I think I do first impressions well. But when it came to the end game, I always crashed and burned. For three solid years I would meet them, discard them fairly quickly if I knew right away that I didn't like them (playing games is a karmic bitch that always seems to bite one in the ass), or try too hard with the ones who got to stage 2, i.e. the 4th or 5th date with me. Ugh.
The first mistake I always made with those men I liked was making myself too available to them. I would make plans and keep them, pretty much any time they asked. I would re-arrange my schedule, hang out at inconvenient times, and incorporate them into my life even though I had only recently met them. While a guy making consistent plans with you is a sign that he may be into you, is it really necessary to put other important things on the back burner to make time for him when you and he both are still not completely sure where things will go? And why did I value my time so little that I was willing to just give it out for nothing?
The second mistake I made was making excuses for why we had been dating for several months and yet were still not exclusive. Really? If you like me enough to hang with me three or four times a week, and yet you still want to keep dating other people, you are a spoiled child who doesn't know what he wants or just wants to have his cake and well you know the rest. Bye. Although that "wanna be my boyfriend? Check the yes box" conversation is a tad uncomfortable, have it after about 2-3 months. If he still is not sure, it's a warning sign. Run. Run fast. Women often know within the first week whether or not we want to have a relationship with you. FYI.
The third mistake, and it's a doozy, was allowing text messaging to be substituted for real communication. I don't believe texting was ever supposed to be a mode of conversation that gives people hope. And yet it does. "OMG. Guess who texted me last night?" I've said it. I've read too much into it. And it's stupid. No one who is genuinely interested in you is going to only text you. They want to talk to you. They want to make plans with you. I have a dear girlfriend who received a text from a former flame several weeks ago that simply read, "hey." Is that what passes for communication these days? It wasn't "hey (insert name here), how are you?" or better yet....and I know it's dated, a PHONE CALL. "Hey there lovely fantastic beautiful person, how are you? I haven't talked to you for awhile and something made me think of you so I decided to call" is a nice way to go. But the wide net cast by "hey" was an insult to her, and an insult to the other 20 people who were probably included in the list of recipients. She didn't respond. And I'm proud of her for that.
The fourth mistake and the last I will get into because you may be somewhat sick of reading by now is the issue that has become a syndrome called "I like you enough." Most women that I know, even though we are comfortable being alone, would like companionship from a man (or woman if they are same sex inclined). So many times we meet people that we end up pining for because they spend time with us, see us periodically, but we just can't seem to get them to commit. If a casual scenario is ok with you, that relationship works. But if you want something more meaningful, you're not going to be happy. I had a conversation with a male friend a year or two ago about a girl he was dating who wanted to be in a relationship with him but he felt himself resisting. "I like her enough, but I just don't think I want anything long term with her." That opened my eyes. I was that girl for three whole years!! I was good enough for them to go out with for awhile, hang around with (because let's face it I am pretty cool-ha), but I was not someone with whom they wanted to have a long term relationship. They liked me just enough to not want to get rid of me immediately, but not enough for what I wanted. Always check yourself that way kittens. Are you the girl they like just enough for now until something they like better comes along? Or do you want to be with someone who likes you THE SAME?
We must not allow the bare minimum to be what we accept from people these days. Standards and some expectations with regard to how you want to be treated will only set the bar high and either make them rise to the occasion, or get lost fast, saving you the time and aggravation. That, my friends, will not only eliminate the question of whether or not "he's not that into you," it will kick it in the balls. And remember, if you find yourself bitching to other people about how you don't understand a male behavior because it is sending you mixed signals, take a step back and say to yourself "it shouldn't be this hard." Men are literal creatures. They don't do grey areas. If they like you, you will not have to wonder.
Have a wonderful week lovelies.
ESJ
Let me start by saying I've never really had a problem meeting men. I think I do first impressions well. But when it came to the end game, I always crashed and burned. For three solid years I would meet them, discard them fairly quickly if I knew right away that I didn't like them (playing games is a karmic bitch that always seems to bite one in the ass), or try too hard with the ones who got to stage 2, i.e. the 4th or 5th date with me. Ugh.
The first mistake I always made with those men I liked was making myself too available to them. I would make plans and keep them, pretty much any time they asked. I would re-arrange my schedule, hang out at inconvenient times, and incorporate them into my life even though I had only recently met them. While a guy making consistent plans with you is a sign that he may be into you, is it really necessary to put other important things on the back burner to make time for him when you and he both are still not completely sure where things will go? And why did I value my time so little that I was willing to just give it out for nothing?
The second mistake I made was making excuses for why we had been dating for several months and yet were still not exclusive. Really? If you like me enough to hang with me three or four times a week, and yet you still want to keep dating other people, you are a spoiled child who doesn't know what he wants or just wants to have his cake and well you know the rest. Bye. Although that "wanna be my boyfriend? Check the yes box" conversation is a tad uncomfortable, have it after about 2-3 months. If he still is not sure, it's a warning sign. Run. Run fast. Women often know within the first week whether or not we want to have a relationship with you. FYI.
The third mistake, and it's a doozy, was allowing text messaging to be substituted for real communication. I don't believe texting was ever supposed to be a mode of conversation that gives people hope. And yet it does. "OMG. Guess who texted me last night?" I've said it. I've read too much into it. And it's stupid. No one who is genuinely interested in you is going to only text you. They want to talk to you. They want to make plans with you. I have a dear girlfriend who received a text from a former flame several weeks ago that simply read, "hey." Is that what passes for communication these days? It wasn't "hey (insert name here), how are you?" or better yet....and I know it's dated, a PHONE CALL. "Hey there lovely fantastic beautiful person, how are you? I haven't talked to you for awhile and something made me think of you so I decided to call" is a nice way to go. But the wide net cast by "hey" was an insult to her, and an insult to the other 20 people who were probably included in the list of recipients. She didn't respond. And I'm proud of her for that.
The fourth mistake and the last I will get into because you may be somewhat sick of reading by now is the issue that has become a syndrome called "I like you enough." Most women that I know, even though we are comfortable being alone, would like companionship from a man (or woman if they are same sex inclined). So many times we meet people that we end up pining for because they spend time with us, see us periodically, but we just can't seem to get them to commit. If a casual scenario is ok with you, that relationship works. But if you want something more meaningful, you're not going to be happy. I had a conversation with a male friend a year or two ago about a girl he was dating who wanted to be in a relationship with him but he felt himself resisting. "I like her enough, but I just don't think I want anything long term with her." That opened my eyes. I was that girl for three whole years!! I was good enough for them to go out with for awhile, hang around with (because let's face it I am pretty cool-ha), but I was not someone with whom they wanted to have a long term relationship. They liked me just enough to not want to get rid of me immediately, but not enough for what I wanted. Always check yourself that way kittens. Are you the girl they like just enough for now until something they like better comes along? Or do you want to be with someone who likes you THE SAME?
We must not allow the bare minimum to be what we accept from people these days. Standards and some expectations with regard to how you want to be treated will only set the bar high and either make them rise to the occasion, or get lost fast, saving you the time and aggravation. That, my friends, will not only eliminate the question of whether or not "he's not that into you," it will kick it in the balls. And remember, if you find yourself bitching to other people about how you don't understand a male behavior because it is sending you mixed signals, take a step back and say to yourself "it shouldn't be this hard." Men are literal creatures. They don't do grey areas. If they like you, you will not have to wonder.
Have a wonderful week lovelies.
ESJ
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)